12 rules for the tube

1. Don't bother pressing the "Open Door" buttons on the train doors - they don't do anything. They're just there to fool South Londoners who are used to overground trains.
   
   
2. Don't get out of your train and stop dead on the platform while you decide which way you are going to go. If you do that, I'm going to walk into you. On purpose. Scoot your bad self to the edge of the platform and wait til the crowd has gone down.
   
   
3. As 2 above, but specifically with reference to people with those pulley trolley suitcases. You were carrying it by the handle, but now you're on the platform/street, you want to extend the retractable handle and walk along the street pulling it like a puppy. But if you do that right in front of me, I'm going to trip over you. On purpose.
   
   
4. Don't get your Oyster Card or ticket out of your wallet at the very last minute. There's no need to do that! You've usually been stood on the escalator or in the lift for the last 30 seconds minimum, plenty of time to rummage in the handbag, rucksack or wallet. Or did you forget that the turnstiles were coming?
   
   
5. If you're walking along the crowded platform waiting for a good spot to stop at, don't gradually... slow... down... when... you... spot... one. There's a whole crowd behind you doing that funny little dance that only English people do rather than just barge by you.
   
   
6. Don't carry large luggage and rucksacks between 8-10am and 5-7pm. You'll be hated
   
   
7. Just cause you're speaking Croatian, doesn't mean you're not speaking loud (and English folk, please remember how annoying this is next time you're on holiday)
   
   
8. Tss tutu tss, tss tutu tss, tss tutu tss, tss tutu tss. Waaaaahhhh, Tss tutu tss tutu tss tutu Tsss tutu tss tutu tsss. You're killing your ears. And raising my blood pressure.
   
   
9. On a crowded train, when you want to get off, it's just quite possible other people want to as well, so there's no need to push and say "scuse me scuse me", just go with the flow. And if you're sat on the seats, why bother standing up 2 minutes before the stop and trying to get near the doors? There's no room to breathe let alone move. What's the worst that could happen? You end up at the next stop and lost 4 minutes of your life.
   
   
10. When you are at the front of a crowd waiting to get on an empty carriage, and you all stream on, think about efficiency. Don't sit on the nearest seat, just for the next person to sit on the one next to you and so on. The whole queue is held up while you shuffle your bags around. Sit in the middle man, it won't harm you to have two people sat next to you (one either side). You'll lose that precious 50% of personal space. But it really ain't all that bad.
    
    
11. Scuse me, you're sat on my coat. Scuse me, you're err, sat on my coat. You're sat on my coat. Yeah my coat. It's ok, it's not your fault, it's not my fault, it just happens sometimes. Don't you fucking tutt at me, it's your arse, my coat was there first!
    
    
12. Have a reality check. A wait of "4 mins" for the next train does not merit a stream of curses. You'll just miss the first beats of the Eastenders theme tune.